In raising children, it is surprising how much more accepting we are of a child crying when they are toddlers than when they become teenagers.
During adolescence, parenting becomes increasingly challenging due to our kids' issues on and offline. The pandemic, their virtual world, toxic peers, academic achievement, lack of autonomy in decision making, bullying, defining sense of self, parental expectation, peer pressure, part-time jobs and extracurricular activities just to name a few. Teens can clam up or explode with emotions when life gets overwhelming. When they can no longer handle things and the floodgates open, we as parents stand in the corner not knowing what we should do.
Here's why it's important to let your teen sit in the muck (as I call it) and weep if they wish.
Let’s start off by exploring the benefits of crying. To cry actually relieves the body of countless toxins and hormones that contribute to elevated levels of stress, and my goodness do teens ever need a clean-up in this area!
After a good cry, it helps your teen sleep better and strengthens their immune system. Crying also indicates that your child has reached their limit and they cannot take on anything else at that time, this act provides self-soothing for them. It is important for teenagers to learn how to self-soothe rather than relying on their parents exclusively. A child will suffer in repressing their emotions or lecturing them not to cry. It can put your child at risk for depression, heart disease, hypertension and possibly other illnesses.
What is important to remember is that an overbearing presence of a parent or not being there for their child when they are sad can break the family dynamic or connection. How do we find the right balance?
Often in my clinical practice, I recommend giving teens a few minutes alone in their bedroom to feel sad. That time alone is very important for self-soothing and their development. Parents are often compelled to jump right in when their child is sad or hurting, which can create more conflict than support sometimes. You may receive a retaliatory response saying, “Get out of here, leave me alone.” You may check-in with them after some time passes (20 or 30 minutes) and let them know that you love them, there is no judgment, and you are willing to listen to them, or simply sit quietly with them when they are ready.
If they ask for your support, stop whatever you're doing and be available immediately. When you are in their presence, again, never encourage them to stop crying just be calm and present. Let them do the talking, do not pry or bombard them with lots of questions. With a teen child, listening and validating will get you far. If anything parents, remember to practice the pause.
Here are a few things you can say to your teen child that will get them to continue to open up to you.
Maintain silence and hold a loving space for them to cry. Lie with them, hold them, have some tissues ready.
Here are some phrases you could use to validate and support them.:
It’s ok to be sad
I hear you
I’m listening
I understand you are overwhelmed and that is ok
That is really sad, frustrating, disappointing
I love you, you are safe
I see this is hard for you
Tell me about it
I will help you work it out
Don’t overstay your welcome in their sanctuary.
Ask them if they would like you to remain quiet with them.
Please leave them alone if they request it.
Don't force the issue to stay.
After giving them the respectable space they've asked for, you can always check in later.
If they ask for your help
Don't try to solve their problems.
Don’t offer them solutions.
Using probing questions will help them develop their decision-making skills.
Teenagers are more likely to accept a solution if it was their idea.
Provide positive feedback at all times
Ask them what they need from you and assure them you will provide that for them. You don't need to guess what a teen child wants, they'll tell you directly.
I will leave you with this:
Humans cry, not because they’re weak, it’s because they’ve been strong for too long.
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