When your child reaches adolescence, the role of a parent changes, your baby is growing up, and you need to grow with them. There is no magical age when this occurs. When your child begins to see you as a regular person with flaws and no longer as a perfect parent, things start to change. Because they begin to recognize your shortcomings, they don't respect or hold you in high regard as much as they did when they were younger. Unfortunately, this realization will come to each child at a different stage, so you cannot prepare yourself as a parent for it. The best thing you can prepare for in this stage is a child who will test their limits, want independence, challenge your rules, act out and fight, and when this happens, bam! you have entered the phase. In this phase, you need to shift from using a directive parenting style to one of coaching and guiding. It takes some time for a parent and adolescent to find that sweet spot, but once it's found, the home is filled with harmony.
Below are some strategies that parents can use to begin the coaching process.
Praise and Reward
In raising young children, it was an automatic response to praise nonstop and provide ongoing rewards. Every small task well done would be celebrated with stickers, treats, extra television time, verbal praise, and exaggerated enthusiasm during their elementary years. Eventually, as parents, we relaxed our praise and reward systems as our children entered junior or senior high school, believing they no longer needed it as much and were able to receive self-recognition and gratification for doing well all on their own. Teenagers need praise more than ever as they enter puberty. As their insecurities and self-worth are at their peak, they need the strongest advocate at their side. It is not necessary to lavish praise or rewards with excessive enthusiasm, gifts or money; just focusing on the little things they do daily is enough.
Here are some examples of positive feedback you can give them that will encourage their positive behaviour.
Thank you for being on time tonight, I appreciate how responsible you are.
I like how you are taking pride in your things now that your room looks tidy.
You were very kind to walk your sibling to the bus for me, it helped me out greatly today.
Thanks for not losing your cool when I asked you to put the dishes in the dishwasher tonight, that's really appreciated.
I appreciate the discussion we had tonight, and the fact that there was no yelling shows me that we can continue to meet in the middle.
Open Communication
Effective discipline is based on open communication, trust, and respect between parent and adolescent. Engage your youth in non-judgemental discussions where you listen to them without giving advice or offering to solve their problems. Listen and then validate their concerns even if you feel it may be petty in your eyes. As a result, your adolescent will be able to come to you more often when teen issues become harder to handle on their own. That is crucial since you don't want them to seek advice from the wrong peers and then have to deal with a host of issues.
An Established Set of Family Rules
Similarly to younger children, it is important for families to establish and maintain clear house rules that come with appropriate consequences, such as if you don't finish your dinner, there will be no dessert. This holds true for older kids as well, although it is important to keep the house rules fair and reasonable once they are older. Teenagers are more likely to follow the new house rules if they were involved in the decision-making process. Additionally, let them choose punishments if they break the rules. Since they will already know the punishment in advance, they will only be mad at themselves for breaking a family rule. The blame and pressure then shift off of you as a parent and they are held accountable. Perhaps next time they will think twice as they will punish themselves more harshly than blaming you for what happened.
Avoid Yelling and Power Struggles
As parents, you have to remember that teens see the world very differently than you. Power struggles grow more entrenched as your child pushes against the rules. Parents are concerned about their safety and want to prevent their older children from doing high-risk activities, but they may feel that they're being held back from such activities that seem reasonable and valid to them. Adding to the complexity is when kids discover that some of their peers are allowed to do things they are not. So begins the battle of the yells, which I see as a lose-lose battle. Getting caught up in your emotions leads to an escalation of conflict. It is important to understand that the more you engage your child in an argument or power struggle, the more power you are giving them. The first thing I tell parents is to empower them rather than overpower them and refuse to take the bait. When there is a yelling match, neither party is treated with respect. The child learns that they can make you lose control by pushing the right buttons. The moment you start using yelling to correct behaviour, you've effectively taught your child how to push your buttons, not to mention how power gets you what you want. Taking a step back when you feel like you are about to explode is the best strategy in a power struggle. The power of silence cannot be overlooked. Your child is left wondering what to expect next.
Practice the pause. You should be mindful about how and when you are going to respond to their negative response as it will not only help to calm down the situation but also allow you to pursue the issue when the emotions are calmer.
Being Held Accountable By Society
Societal consequences can be the best lessons in certain situations. They are still in school, some are starting part-time jobs, and some are involved in extracurricular activities at this stage. These organizations all have representatives who act as role models and authoritarians for them. They have expectations and obligations for being on time, staying true to a schedule, having project deadlines met, arriving with the proper equipment in sports, etc. If they forget to stay accountable, don't save the day. Each time parents do this, their kids don't learn responsibility or accountability; they just know you will pick up all the loose ends and save the day. An occasional lapse in judgment is fine especially if it happened by accident, but if it becomes an ongoing problem, pull back and let them figure it out. Having society explain what is required of them as a young adult relieves you of pressure, and you can simply say, I am sorry you got in trouble, this is between you and so-and-so, I hope it can be resolved.
Flipping The Switch
Teenagers quickly learn that when their parents constantly nag or yell at them, it's time to turn off the switch and stop listening. Your words to them are like Charlie Brown's teacher saying "wah wah woh wah woh.". Why is this? They want to show those around them that they are not babies again so they chose power and retaliation as a way to prove independence. Teens want to be dealt with in a mature respectful way. You will get much more from them when you do.
“The idea of discipline isn't really to punish, but to have them learn from their mistakes.
Life's lessons can be uncomfortable sometimes, but as long as they have learned from them, that's what matters most.’ - Jen LeClair Avery
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