As parents of teenagers, adapting to the transition from adolescence to adulthood is difficult enough, let alone having to face the fact that they are now becoming sexually active. It's a feeling of dread you get as a parent when you're not sure if your child has already experienced it or whether they are using protection and being properly treated (consent). In most cases, teens do not wish to discuss this topic with their parents, and some parents might prefer to avoid it altogether which leaves us with the three A's: avoidance, awkwardness, and ambivalence.
What should parents do if they discover items that suggest sexual activity or pleasure? Should they confront their children on the spot or ignore what they've found?
As a family coach and counsellor, I see this all the time: parents uncover things (inadvertently or consciously) and think their child shouldn't be exposed to them yet. What do teens feel: a violation of their privacy and distrust in their parents when confronted unexpectedly. Trust is then broken and relationships become strained. Nobody wins in this vicious cycle.
So what do you do as parents?
In 2012, the Canadian Community Health Services reported that 30% of teens aged 15-17, and 68% of teens aged 18-19 had sexual intercourse at least once. Although there are very few updated statistics in Canada, it is important to recognize the age at which these children are exploring their sexual needs. Age 15 seems to be the common age where they start to explore their sexual needs.
I think it is also important to look at the effects of our environment, the foods, and genetics that are also contributing to an earlier onset of puberty. Girls can begin this process as early as age 9. It explains why young people are becoming curious at a much younger age. Therefore, we want kids to feel in control of their bodies and to understand what is happening emotionally and physically to them, rather than leaving it up to them to discover it on their own.
While schools do provide them with a basic knowledge of sexual development, it is not enough. While working with youth, I've observed a lack of knowledge and guidance they lack for making choices and navigating the pressures they face with sex during adolescence.
Teenagers are curious, impulsive little humans, who will stop at nothing to satisfy their temptations. They love Google, though sometimes it is more harmful than helpful. It starts with a simple search which can lead teens into an endless stream of visuals on the dirty dark web. Images depicting violence and disrespect to individuals have led some teens to believe that is how sexual chemistry works. Some have experienced traumatic experiences due to this behaviour leaving them feeling isolated, distressed, and vulnerable with nowhere to turn.
I cannot emphasize enough to parents how important it is for them to start these open discussions with their children before they discover condoms and other items of concern. The earlier you have these conversations, the less you feel uncomfortable and worried later.
For those that may not have taken the opportunity to do so early and are facing this right now, here are a few tips I can offer you to ease the stress on both of you.
Always approach the subject calmly, with no judgement, and ready to listen
Thank them if they do ask questions, “I am glad you came to me first, or great question”
Give clear, honest explanations, regardless of how awkward it may feel.
Feel free to share your feelings, beliefs and values, as well as experiences you had when you were younger. This lets them see your vulnerability.
We must encourage them to view sexuality as a positive expression and connections need to be made when respect, consent, and caring are involved.
Keep the lines of communication open by letting them know you are always willing to talk to them and that you won't judge them if they do.
Educate them and or set up a consultation with their family doctor to discuss the prevention of STDs and pregnancy. Provide them with resources.
You will be surprised at how many teens opt out to experiment more readily after providing them with all the unanswered questions, teaching them about safety and the consequences of wrong choices, and allowing them to explore in a healthy manner. As I have worked with youth, I have realized that those who lack a clear understanding seek immediate results and frequently choose the wrong path. Make sure they have the tools they need in this area of their lives so that they can start in a caring, safe relationship, leaving the unhealthy relationship behind.
Please reach out to support@healthyroutes.ca if you have a child who is struggling in this area or if you are a parent who just cannot have those difficult conversations.
Together we can give them the tools they need and deserve.
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